A Parody Worthy of A Pirate
by March
Summary: This is a parody of the movie worthy of a pirate. Arrr!
1. Default Chapter

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN PARODY  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Right when I came home from watching The Return of the King, I followed a link to a Lord of the Rings Condensed Parody. Genius, says I. The mad fanfic writer in me decided to take the idea and do it myself. Many things happened in the time when I thought about it. It occurred to me that the person who did the LOTR one, might, in fact, be the only person who can do it without making it sound dumb or boring. I thought I might not be good enough at this. I also thought it might not be funny as a Pirates spoof.  
  
However, reason has never stopped me before. I had my sister read some parts and she laughed, so I have it on good authority that someone besides me thinks it's funny.)  
  
(Mist swirls by ship and mysterious music plays. We fade in and see a ten year old ELIZABETH singing.)  
  
ELIZABETH: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.  
  
CREEPY MAN (MR GIBBS): Shouldn't be singing about pirates.  
  
ELIZABETH: But I like them.  
  
HER FATHER (GOV. SWANN): I know. That worries me.  
  
(ELIZABETH sees a pink parasol in the water and doesn't seem to think this is at all strange. Then she sees a burning ship and a boy on a plank of wood.)  
  
ELIZABETH: Look! A boy in the water!  
  
NORRINGTON: Well, I don't know who he is or what he's doing there, but let's pull him up anyway.  
  
(They do and the boy is dragged unconsious on the deck. ELIZABETH goes over. (ELIZABETH steals a shiny thing around his neck and hides it behind her back. Apparently, at the tender age of ten, she's a kleptomaniac.)  
  
ELIZABETH: Hi. I'm Elizabeth.  
  
BOY: I'm W-Will Turner.  
  
****  
  
Many years pass.  
  
(Elizåbeth wakes up and stretches. She reaches into her drawer and pulls out the necklace from before and puts it on.)  
  
(To herself) ELIZABETH: I like shiny skeleton medallions.  
  
There's a loud knock on the door and GOV SWANN comes in with a flowery dress in his hands. GOV SWANN: I have a dress for you, which all means I want you to go to a ceremony and accept a wedding proposal by Commander Norrington. He's going to be promoted today.  
  
ELIZABETH: Thanks, Dad! (Ducks into dressing room and mutters to her maid) Dad should know dresses with flowers are out of fashion in Port Royale. And I can't breathe.  
  
****  
  
A GROWN UP WILL is standing, looking silly. (Looks down at his shoe.) WILL: Rats. I just left dirt on the ground.  
  
GOV SWANN (coming downstairs): Did you make the sword for him?  
  
WILL: Yes. It's made from, er, second rate steel.  
  
GOV SWANN: I beg your pardon?  
  
WILL: For the best you have to go elsewhere. Sorry.  
  
GOV SWANN: All right, then.  
  
****  
  
(ELIZABETH comes downstairs. WILL gawks at her.)  
  
ELIZABETH: I had a dream about you last night. I want to make babies with you.  
  
WILL: Me? Erm, right.  
  
GOV SWANN: See? At least the boy has a sense of propriety. Er, 'bye.  
  
WILL: 'Bye.  
  
****  
  
JACK SPARROW comes in on his ship. He's on top. JACK: Rats. Gotta consider getting a better ship. Blasted ship people... don't know the good merchandise from the bad.  
  
(Jumps down and starts dumping water out of his boat.)  
  
Now he's back on top of the boat, and luckily lands on the deck at Port Royale. A M AN stops him. MAN: You there! It's a shilling to tie up your boat.  
  
JACK: How about I get you on Who Wants to Be A Millionare and we forget the name.  
  
MAN: Welcome to Port Royale, Mr. Smith.  
  
(Two military men stop him.)  
  
SOLDIER 1: You can't go up there.  
  
JACK: I was just thinking about how there's this high to-do on the fort which you don't seem to be invited to. Haha. And that ship behind you is really fast.  
  
SOLDIER 2: Not as fast as The Black Pearl.  
  
SOLDIER 1: That's not a real ship, you poopoo peehead.  
  
SOLDIER 2: Stop calling me names!  
  
SOLDIER 1: You started it!  
  
SOLDIER 1: Did not!  
  
SOLDIER 2: Did too!  
  
(During all this, JACK wanders up to the really fast ship.)  
  
SOLDIER 1: You can't go there.  
  
JACK: But it's such a pretty boat. Ship.  
  
SOLDIER 2: I know. Tell us why you're here. No lies.  
  
JACK: I'm going to go to Tartuga and get a crew and we're going to raid, plunder, and pillage our weasley black guts out.  
  
SOLDIER 2: I said no lies.  
  
(ELIZABETH is standing next to NORRINGTON, who is now willing a silly white wig.)  
  
NORRINGTON: I love you. I want to make babies with you.  
  
ELIZABETH: But I want to make babies with Will. And I can't breathe.  
  
NORRINGTON: Huh?  
  
(ELIZABETH falls over.)  
  
NORRINGTON: Elizabeth!  
  
****  
  
(Cut to JACK and SOLDIERS.)  
  
JACK: ....and then they made me their chief. (He luckily sees ELIZABETH falling out of the corner of his eye.) You want to rescue her?  
  
SOLDIER 2: I can't swim.  
  
JACK: Luckily, I can do a spectacular swan dive and swim really fast, so I'll go. (Does a spectacular swan dive. JOHNNY DEPP fans swoon, not realizing this is actually a stunt double named, like, TIM.)  
  
JACK: (finds her underwater, but the corset drags both of them down. He pulls off the dress and they float to the top. When they get on the deck, she still can't breathe. He pulls off her corset. She gasps for air and spits out some sea water.)  
  
SOLDIER 1: I didn't think of that.  
  
JACK: Apparently you've never been to Singapore.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Are we supposed to laugh? I don't know, but HAHAHA! (But JACK notices something shiny around her neck.) JACK: Where did you get that?  
  
(GOV SWANN, NORRINGTON, and VARIOUS others rush out on deck.)  
  
GOV SWANN: Hang him!  
  
ELIZABETH: No, he rescued me.  
  
NORRINGTON: He's a pirate, let's hang him anyway.  
  
GOV SWANN: Okay. (NORRINGTON clasps him in chains.)  
  
(JACK puts his chain around ELIZABETH's neck.) I'm going to go. And I want my stuff back. And my hat.  
  
ELIZABETH: (putting belt and hat on him.) You're despicable.  
  
JACK: Sticks and stones, love. Nanny nanny boo boo. (He pushes her back toward her father and smiles.) You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
****  
  
(He bounces up, defeats the laws of physics by getting on and off that rope, and runs into the blacksmith's. He sees a drunk, unconcious man, decides he's safe for the moment, and only gets half of his chains off, using many things, including a sword. He hears someone coming, so he ducks away.)  
  
WILL: (sees drunk man) Right where I left you. (Sees a sword.) Not where I left you. Is it possible someone's here? (See JACK.)  
  
JACK: Hi.  
  
WILL: Hi. Erm, what's that noise?  
  
JACK: The siren sounding noise?  
  
WILL: Yeah.  
  
JACK: That's our screaming fan girls, mate.  
  
WILL: Really. Well, I don't see how you have any fans, because you're the pirate who tried to threaten Miss Swann.  
  
JACK: Yeah.  
  
WILL: Well, now I have to kill you.  
  
JACK: Okay. (Pulls out a sword, and Will finds a sword, too. They fight.)  
  
Author's Note: There are only so many bad jokes you can make about a sword fighting scene. Because of this, I've decided to focus on the audience who, by this time, are actually going out of their minds.  
  
JOHHNY DEPP FANS: Aw, look at him! Sword fighting!  
  
ORLANDO BLOOM FANS: I'd just like to say for the record that Orlando Bloom has been sword fighting since Lord of the Rings.  
  
JOHNNY DEPP FANS: I thought he used a bow and arrow in that movie.  
  
ORLANDO BLOOM FANS: He knows how to use all weapons, because he's amazing like that. (Sighs.)  
  
JOHNNY DEPP FANS: Look! Isn't that his stunt double?  
  
SCANDALIZED ORLANDO BLOOM FANS: What?  
  
(Collective laughter of JOHNNY DEPP fans.)  
  
(In the movie, JACK dumps a bunch of dirt all over WILL. Then he pulls out a gun.)  
  
WILL: You cheated.  
  
JACK: Pirate. Oh, duh.  
  
(Loud knocking on the door. JACK moves the gun to hit the door. WILL jumps in front of it.)  
  
JACK: Move.  
  
WILL: No.  
  
JACK: Please move. This bullet is not meant for you. GET. IT.?  
  
WILL: No.  
  
(Drunk man hits JACK in the head.)  
  
(NORRINGTON barges through.) NORRINGTON: Heh heh. Let's arrest him.  
  
**** TBC... 


	2. The Part In Which The Strong Heroine Is ...

(ELIZABETH is reading in bed.)  
  
MAID: You've had a hard day. You were threatened by a pirate.  
  
ELIZABETH: Yes.  
  
MAID: Also Commander Norrington proposed.  
  
ELIZABETH: Yes.  
  
MAID: You should make babies with Will.  
  
ELIZABETH: What?  
  
MAID: Sorry. 'Night.  
  
(Pathetic fallacy is used big time here. The candlelight by which Elizabeth is reading goes out. Mist falls over the land. It looks really dark and scary. A big scary ship lands in Port Royale. There's a lot of cannon fire.)  
  
****  
  
THE JAIL JACK: I know those canons! Don't ask me how because all canons sound the same, but I know them anyway!  
  
OTHER PRISONERS: Is that The Black Pearl?  
  
JACK: Maybe, maybe not. Like I'd tell you.  
  
OTHER PRISONERS: I hear stories. The Black Pearl takes no survivors.  
  
JACK: No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?  
  
OTHER PRISONERS: Oh. Good point.  
  
(The crew members land and rush up on shore, waving weapons around like crazy people.)  
  
****  
  
PORT ROYALE (People are going crazy. A battle ensues.)  
  
(WILL comes out, hoping to save the day.)  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, it's hard to make really bad jokes about a brawl, so I'm going to do my best to summarize it for you.  
  
BAD GUYS: Grrr!  
  
GOOD GUYS: Aaauuggh!  
  
BAD GUYS: I'm going to hurt all of you!  
  
(WILL almost gets knocked out but doesn't.)  
  
BAD GUYS: Grrr!  
  
(WILL gets knocked out by a bottle.)  
  
SCREAMING FANGIRL #1: Oh, no! The poor guy! (cries in despair, and has to be escorted from the theater.)  
  
****  
  
MEANWHILE, AT THE GOVERNOR'S HOUSE (Knocking noises are heard.)  
  
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!  
  
MAID: I think they're going to kidnap you! Pirates!  
  
ELIZABETH: Run away!  
  
MAID: Okay!  
  
(A chase scene, involving a frying pan, hot coals, and swords that are all part of a decoration, ensues. Of course, the pirates find her.)  
  
ELIZABETH: Erm, parley! You can't touch me until I talk to the captain. (blows a raspberry.)  
  
EVIL PIRATE 1: Oh, you'll come with us. (blows a raspberry right back.)  
  
**** THE BLACK PEARL (CAPTAIN BARBOSSA and his PSYCHOTIC MONKEY are waiting. The crew members take ELIZABETH to him. He sees the medallion on ELIZABETH and pretends he's not interested. During a battle of wills between him and ELIZABETH, she discovers it's really interesting to him.)  
  
BARBOSSA: Do you have a name?  
  
ELIZABETH: It's Elizabeth... Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's household.  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Now that's a crappy thing to do.  
  
BARBOSSA: Let's take her with us.  
  
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!  
  
****  
  
PORT ROYALE, NEXT DAY: (WILL wakes up and decides to get help. He finds NORRINGTON.)  
  
WILL: We need to find Elizabeth. Right now.  
  
NORRINGTON: No, we don't.  
  
WILL: Yes, we do.  
  
NORRINGTON: No, we really don't. Good-bye.  
  
(WILL is escorted away, and he goes to the jail.)  
  
****  
  
JAIL:  
  
(WILL finds JACK.)  
  
WILL: Hi. Where does The Black Pearl make berth?  
  
JACK: The jokes I could make about that. Actually, it's called the Isle de Muerta.  
  
WILL: Oh. Well, let me get you out of here. I need you to help me find Elizabeth.  
  
JACK: Okay.  
  
(Pops JACK out of jail. JACK gets his stuff and they run away.)  
  
****  
  
DOCK:  
  
JACK: Will you do anything for this girl?  
  
WILL: I'd die for her.  
  
JACK: Good, 'cause I wouldn't.  
  
(They creep underneath a canoe and walk to the ship, undetected.  
  
****  
  
DAUNTLESS:  
  
JACK: Stay calm, we're taking over this ship!  
  
WILL: Aye, avass!  
  
(Laughter by soldiers on the Dauntless.)  
  
(The author has no idea what WILL means. Her sister informs her that it makes sense in this context. Really.)  
  
(And then there's a lot of swinging and going back and forth and soldiers and sailors in the water. Her sister also informs the author that JACK and WILL steal The Interceptor. ['scyuze us, commandeer. Commandeer. Nautical term])  
  
They sail away.  
  
**** TBC... 


	3. A Really Long Update To Make Up For The ...

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